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Make Love, Not War

We’re Nice in the Beginning

Nothing beats the excitement of a new relationship. The longing to be together, the never-ending talks and the sexual appetite that is insatiable .¨ all are trademarks of the beginning of our quest to obtain and keep that special someone. It is amazing to watch us in action at this stage of the game. We make time for the other person, we’re interested in what they have to say and we’re nice. It is a lovely time for all involved. But, fast forward to a year later and the landscape of the sun-filled perspective has turned to dark, stormy skies. What happened? In short, we went back to being our old selves. In general, it seems we can only keep the act of being nice up for about a year, sometimes not even that long. Slowly, but surely, the magic ends and we slip into our usual ways as the make a good impression stage evaporates.

In the beginning, when we meet someone we think we can call our partner in life, we are following built-in systems for making certain the human race continues. All of the courting is meant to secure our place on the planet for another generation. But, this dance isn’t something we can keep up for long because it is exhausting, in a good way, but still exhausting. Anyone who has been experienced this will know the lack of sleep, the constant thoughts and the intimate moments that excite you and drain you all at the same time. But, at some point, the relationship has to evolve into something different. For most of us, it evolves into nit-picking, boredom and a lack of close connection. It doesn’t have to though.

When the romance dies, it does so because our old ways show up to spoil the love party. Our old ways include taking things personally, being judgmental and thinking something is lacking or missing in the relationship.


He Said, She Said

The bliss is replaced with an argument about who forgot to start the dishwasher or whose story about last Christmas is right. We move from cherishing each other to picking on each other in front of anyone and everyone. It’s a lot of he said, she said and it feels as if love is far away and yet all love continually resides in the heart .¨ we just need to connect with it, feel it and be a part of it regularly.

There are many reasons a good relationship goes sour after the first year. A lot of these reasons have to do with our own personal issues. We want to blame the other person in the relationship because they do this or they don’t do that, but there is no one to blame. Not even you. It is how we feel about ourselves that ultimately causes unloving thoughts and actions to rear their ugly heads and weave their way into a promising love affair.

When we don’t love ourselves, it is difficult to love another. We don’t respect ourselves, so we don’t respect our love partner. We don’t speak nicely to us, so why would we speak nicely to the other person a relationship with us? We judge ourselves harshly so we judge our spouse harshly, too. We project our inner pain outwardly on those closest to us. Stuck in our thoughts and stuck with the thought that we are not good enough, we will find it difficult to experience true love. We have to be willing to look a little deeper at ourselves if we are going to jump start the relationship and get the love back.

Each one of us has to come to terms with the truth about us. We are good enough. We are worthy of love, especially of self-love. This is not egotistical love. Egotistical love comes from the mind and is not connecting or healing. In fact, it separates us from those we love and tends to make us unwell. Egotistical love is not in alignment with the heart. Instead, it is in alignment with the thoughts that belong to the story I’m not good enough so it does not bring us peace. These are the red flags to help us see the difference between true love and egotistical love.

To find our way back to true love, we can start anywhere. We can start by remembering the love within us or we can lean on our partner or spouse to assist us by finding the love in them that we saw so much in the beginning of the relationship. We are all here to help each other. Who better to remind you of the love you are both capable of than each other?


5 Ways to Make Love, Not War

True love is real love. When we truly love another, we see them as they are rather than as we think they are. We see them from the perspective of the heart rather than from the perspective of our mind. This is because the heart tells the truth and sees only love. By contrast, our thinking is impeded by our fears and our sense of lack. How could we ever expect to see love through this perspective? We can’t. So we have to go to the heart, reconnecting here to see our partner as he or she truly is.

Below are five ways you can practice rekindling that initial excitement minus the exhaustion. You are both capable of having a supportive, kind and loving relationship whether it is the first year or the fiftieth. Come up with you own ideas, too. There are so many ways to connect with the initial love you both felt.

  1. Nothing Petty. Make a pact not to fight over petty things with each other. Life is for living, not for arguing about petty things. In fact, sit down together and make an agreement about what is really important in your lives. Serious illness and death might be the short list. Don’t make the list longer than 5 items so you can focus on each other more than those pesky little nothings.
  2. Let go of the past. The past is dead and gone. Let it rest in peace. Each day is a new day. Start fresh so you don’t carry old things on your back that pull you down and zap your energy from the relationship. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Spend your time and your life focused on the moment .¨ the total abundance of love available to each of you. Love is connecting, healing and brings happiness. Your relationship deserves all of that and more.
  3. Be nice. Treat your partner or spouse with kindness. Don’t forget to say please and thank you .¨ these are often lost after the impressing period is over. Compliment your partner on one thing each day. If you can’t find something nice to say about your partner or spouse every day, perhaps it is time to rethink your position. Everyone has something nice about them.
  4. Collaborate. When we collaborate, we work together. Most of us have been taught that in order to be with someone we have to compromise. But, compromise starts us off in a position of losing .¨ that never feels good to anyone. There is nothing that can’t be worked out if we work together with the same goal in mind .¨ true love and happiness.
  5. Equality. We often fall into roles into roles in a relationship where one is the strong one or one is the leader. Roles can keep us stuck in ruts of damaging behavior. The truth is you are both equal in every way. While each one is good at different things, there is no human being that is less than or more than another. This is true in a relationship as well. Realizing you are both equal, you can work together from this point of view, treating each other equally with respect, honor and love.


Look for the good in your partner or spouse .¨ you saw it in the beginning. Remember to see all of the beauty in the relationship and focus on this rather than staying in the rut of nit-picking and judgment. If you can’t find the love and the beauty, perhaps it is time to move on no matter how long you have been together or what other people say. Most importantly, follow your heart. It will never let you down. If true love is there, it will show itself. Practice invoking the love on a more regular basis. Love expands our lives and connects us with others. Connect with your special someone today.

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