Every couple has their ups and downs, but it’s how the couple gets through their hard times that really gives their relationship character and strengthens it. The problem comes when couples are constantly having repeat fights and getting stuck in a fighting rut they can’t get out of. When both parties refuse to see the other’s point of view, this tends to happen. Then, the same fight will repeat itself as neither side changes their tune. It’s important to understand why couples fight before learning how to overcome the fighting.
Why do couples fight?
Intimacy is always a top reason why couples fight. Perhaps one partner doesn’t want to be intimate as frequently as the other? Or perhaps one partner is more adventurous than another. With a topic like intimacy, it’s important to be delicate. Really listen to your partners wants or reasons to not want to be intimate at any given time. The more understanding you can be here, the better. Have a calm discussion and compromise.
When money gets involved, the most docile of relationships can get rocky. Couples fight about how much they both can spend. They fight about who the money really belongs to. They stop thinking of themselves as a partnership. You really have to accept your significant other as your partner and equal when working on finances. Only then can you have an open discussion about it.
People can have different priorities in life. It’s important to be with a partner who has your same goals and dreams. If they don’t share your goals with you on a grandiose scale, then you should think of leaving them. Think about it- if you want a baby and your partner doesn’t, that isn’t something that you can force them into or else they could resent you for the rest of their lives. On the other hand, if it’s small priorities you disagree on such as how much daily tv to watch or recreational activities, then you should absolutely be able to come to a compromise. If you feel you are not a priority to them, this creates a major reason why couples fight that can be easily talked out if the two members of the couple are willing to discuss and be open about their feelings.
It’s cliché, but in-laws and extended family members are frequently a major source that causes couples to fight. It’s quite common. Don’t let the cliché of this get to you, too. Be accepting and loving of your partner’s family- they couldn’t pick them and neither can you.
How can you fix these problems?
Fights seem to loop and repeat when both sides of the argument feel strongly about something, and this prevents them from being open to changing their viewpoint or truly hearing other sides. So, the first step of moving forward with your partner is to really listen to them. Once you hear them, don’t just hear their words but truly try to understand what they are saying. If you were in their position, would you feel the same way? Drop your defenses and your ego and truly try to experience the problem from their side. Then, they must be willing to do the same. If you are capable of doing this, you can turn your argument into a calmer, more open discussion.
When someone gets heated, gently remind them to lower their defenses. If both sides can see the other’s point of view and calmly talk about the situation, then a compromise can surely be reached. Then, hopefully, these fights will be less frequent and less aggressive over time. Only through changing our viewpoints can we grow and learn. Don’t be that person who is unwilling to grow. The more curious and open you are, the happier your relationship will be. This is why many people go to marriage counseling. If you aren’t able to calmly talk through your problems alone, perhaps you should seek a professional to guide you through healthy discussions.
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