Everything can be Transformed
Let’s face it. Relationships are hard work. You have two people who were raised with different life philosophies and different values trying to come together to form a connection that is loving and supportive. Add in the other stuff we were taught from parents and caregivers like judgments, opinions, limited thinking, beliefs, and political viewpoints and the challenges mount. What often happens from there is typical.
In the beginning, it seems idyllic. We bend in ways we never imagined so that we can be part of this new love we have found. The fact that she takes an hour to get ready is something you ignore telling yourself “It’s cute” or “She really wants to look nice for me” even though it drives you nuts. Perhaps he always has to choose the movie you see and you go along with it because you want to appear supportive and easy going. Nothing is mentioned since these seem like minor issues when matched against the prospect of being loved by someone special. So the enchantment of new love continues, occupying every waking moment. Each of you marvels at the prospect of learning more about the other and building something together. That is the first year.
The second year, things start to change. A level of comfort sets in and with that comes all of the stuff we have been holding in for the past year. Pretty soon, two people who once got dressed up for dates, left love notes on the pillow and smiled at the thought of each other are now in a rut. And the rut looks more like two enemies who have regrets, hold grudges and have to dig deep to find the love that once was boundless. We become jaded, disrespectful and sometimes even down right mean to each other. But, isn’t this the same person we were falling head over heels for just a short time ago? We know there is a natural progression in relationships as we go through various stages of being together, but how can we find the balance that mixes head over heels in love with the comfort of a mature relationship? Realize first that we are all the same .¨ we all just want to be loved. From there we can begin to understand not only ourselves, but those we love, too. That point of view can make all the difference in the world.
Love by itself seems like such a simple concept and deep down it is. The kink in the armor is that the stuff we have been taught is mostly a load of crap and that makes just about everything more difficult than it has to be, including love. We haven’t learned to love ourselves so how can we truly love anyone else? Well, we do the best we can, but internal conflicts arise and even with the best intentions we end up projecting these issues into the relationship. With this as our Modus Operandi, not much looks to be as it truly is. No wonder it’s hard for us to find and retain a special love.
Ironically, what complicates love for us is that we look for love outside of us first rather than inside. We do this for a number of reasons. One, since we aren’t taught how to love ourselves, we think love is somehow missing from inside us so we go out and try to fulfill it from another source. It works, but not that great.
Next, no one told us that we are the energetic frequency of love itself. Not knowing that we are what we seek, we go hunting for it elsewhere. We are taught that what we need is out there, not in here. So, we play the dating game and often get disillusioned and hurt along the way.
Third, the crap we were taught leads to a number of personal insecurities that complicate and sometimes even sabotage our love relationships. From insecurity comes jealousy. With this we move deeper into stressful, destructive behavior with our loved one. STOP! There has to be a better way and there is. Any rut we have gotten into can be alleviated with love. If we really want to love the person we are with or find a better match than we did the last time, then open your mind and your heart. It’s time for more happiness and more love!
5 Ways to More Happiness and More Love
Love is a powerful force in its own right. But love shared with another cannot be described with words or measured in actions for only the heart is truly capable of understanding the nature of this astronomical energy.
1. Talk nice.
Remember how nice you were in the beginning with each other? You said “Please” and “Thank you” and offered to help whenever you could. It seemed natural to be kind back then. We know that communication is a key to a healthy relationship.
Communication allows us to connect to our loved one and show understanding when needed. It can be used to gently stand your ground and express what needs to be changed. This leads to cohesive problem solving. The old saying goes like this, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” So, if you have something to say, say it in a nice way. Throw old tactics like blaming and judging out the window. Let go of the need to be right all of the time. Remember, a lifetime filled with love is more important than one moment in your ego.
I recently tweeted, “Are you listening or are you waiting to speak?”
In the beginning of a relationship, most of us listen to the other person as if they are the only one alive. Our eyes connect and we listen interactively, nodding and smiling. Eventually we start multi-tasking as the other is trying to talk to us, we roll our eyes at the things they tell us and we may miss most of what is being said. That’s another rut we can get into over time. Well, it’s time to go back to the basics. It’s time to listen to each other with more intention again. Listening with intention shows love and support. This also provides an opportunity to problem solve as a team which shares hardship, gives a broader spectrum of options that may work and ultimately can bring you closer. Everyone just wants to be heard and validated. And since most of us are struggling with old stuff that often works against us, it is nice to know that some of our difficulties are shared, even to some degree, with someone who loves us.
3. Be open-minded.
We all have different points of view about life based on how we were raised. Be open-minded with the person you love. Know that the story they are telling about their life, an experience they had, a fear that is coming up for them or a current difficulty does not apply to you, it applies to them. That means that how you think it “Should” look or sound is immaterial. If you often turn the conversation back to you, think about what you would do or shake your head in disbelief at the other person’s opinion of something, let go of that today. Go back to a time when you were more open-minded and more willing to see things from his or her perspective rather than just your own. The truth is no one else can have your life experience and you cannot have someone else’s. Be open to what they feel they are experiencing and you will gain more respect, understanding and love.
4. Be compassionate.
We are compassionate in the beginning of a relationship, but with time and built-up resentment, we stop extending love through compassion for the other. Everyone on the planet has suffered at the hands of parents, caregivers and society as a whole. We all have internal scars and battle wounds. When you look at another, see what connects you rather than what your mind thinks separates you. Let go of old judgments that don’t work for you. Let the compassion you have inside shine through. You will find that the more you feel compassion inside, the more compassion you actually express to others.
Love is your “go-to” emotion. Anytime you can express love, notice love and act in a loving manner, you and your partner will be getting the highest vibrational energy in the universe. The benefits of this are immeasurable.
Not only do you get back some of the excitement of when you were just starting to date, you reconnect with someone you really do love, you enjoy the gift of that love and you can now grow that into more love. That means more happiness, more peace and even improved health. What’s not to love?
It doesn’t matter if you are in a new relationship or you have shared the last 50 years together. With some awareness and a little effort, we can turn our ruts into opportunities to expand love with our special someone to levels greater than we ever imagined. We can learn new ways to make relationships easier that provide more peace and more connectedness than ever. Love really does move mountains.