PROBLEM: You don’t learn from your mistakes. It is almost as if you are so committed to being special that you refuse to accept the feedback that you are not. You tend to repeat the same mistakes and minimize failure or explain it away as due to unusual circumstances. Further, you can’t accept dreams that are more normal-sized. Resistance to feedback cuts you off from the learning that you need in order to tame your narcissism and use your gifts in a more reasonable and profitable way.
EXERCISE: Make a list of feedback you have received numerous times but have not learned from. Ask yourself if you’re at risk of making the same mistake yet again. How can you break the cycle and start a healthier new pattern? What will you do differently this time?
PROBLEM: You can’t acknowledge or accept your weaknesses, and, therefore, you miss out on the benefits of being vulnerable. You like to demonstrate your strengths and hide your weaknesses. However, vulnerability draws people to you and makes you relatable. The truth is, being open and authentic about your narcissistic tendencies could actually help you. First, it shows others that you have awareness of your needs and so may be able to manage them. Second, it is a reminder for you to be aware of how your narcissism can get in your way.
EXERCISE: Practice vulnerability by admitting to others that you are a narcissist. Explain that this means that you believe you have special gifts, you have a need for feedback, and you are susceptible to being flattered. You will actually discover being vulnerable in this way becomes a source of strength and growth for you.
PROBLEM: You don’t pay attention to or listen to others, so you lose opportunities to connect and collaborate. Connecting with and acknowledging others isn’t just polite—it pays off. Listening to others can provide you with valuable insights, ideas, and contributions that could help you in business and life. And avoiding the input of those around you can open you up to making big mistakes. This may be the most difficult skill to master. To do this well, you will need to park your interest in yourself on the back burner and truly listen to the people who are close to you.
EXERCISE: Practice paying attention to the people in your life. Ask them questions about the things that matter to them: their dreams, concerns, and fears. Notice that you frequently want to interrupt them or follow something they said about themselves with a story about yourself. Hold back. Don’t talk about yourself. Listen and repeat back to them what you are learning about them. Try to avoid projecting your experiences on them and/or giving advice. By paying attention to others, you make room for people to draw closer to you and to support you better.
PROBLEM: You are unaware of your actual unique gifts. It is not enough that you feel that you are special and have unique gifts. You must learn precisely what those unique gifts are. Without that knowledge, you will be tempted to use every opportunity to show that you are gifted, even in areas where that might not be the case. As you come to understand your gifts, you can use them strategically. As you learn where you are special and where you are not, you can begin to focus your gifts in those places where you are most likely to be reliably successful.
EXERCISE: Write down exactly what you are most gifted to do. Now, list 10 things you shouldn’t attempt to do. Use this exercise to practice distinguishing between the two.
