Like a Guru
Relationships are one of the biggest challenges we face throughout our lifetime. The typical couple has one partner who is the strong one and the other partner who is the weak one. This sets us up for a union that is light on pure joy and true love and heavy on criticism, defensiveness, and dead-end arguments. This isn’t the way we were meant to be with each other, though. We can change it if we are willing to look at new ways of handling old issues. Why not incorporate the wisdom of master gurus to turn your ho-hum relationship into one that is interesting, exciting, fun, and loving? How can we do this? Well, master gurus look within to see the truth about oneself which allows the guru to see the truth about others and the world. They call it self-awareness. This creates balance and harmony. I am proposing a new and simple technique of looking at yourself through introspection first, or becoming self-aware, before you go after your loved one over crumbs on the counter.
When we enter relationships unaware of ourselves, we are bound to react, and overreact, to situations that are out of proportion to the event. This is because of our training that begins immediately after we are born. We are taught that we are not good enough through caregivers, teachers, society, the media and more. We carry this belief throughout life as if it is true. As one can imagine, this false belief creates all of our unhappiness. Let me be clear though—there is nothing wrong with us. We are, always have been, and always will be, good enough. In fact, we are a vast, expansive aspect of consciousness creating a world for the sole/soul purpose of experiencing it.
We are the powerful, ever-present energetic frequency of love itself. However, when we believe ourselves to be flawed, which is a painful belief to live with, we are forced to find a way to survive such a lie. We do one of two things; we either project our pain inward through negative self-talk and other methods of self-abuse, or we project our pain outward, onto others—especially those we love the most. It’s all pure madness.
Imagine a world where each of us remembered that we are love. What would our relationships with our partners look like then? Peaceful, supportive, understanding, compassionate, sexually free, and, of course, loving. We would experience all of this and more. Let’s tackle a few of the biggest projections of pain we put on our special loved one and find a new way to handle these issues—like a guru.
The Top Three
When we are unaware of what drives our internal unhappiness, we react to situations that challenge our not good enough mantra in the mind, the place where this lie about us lives. One of those reactions is to criticize others. Our partners are easy targets.
When we criticize our partner, we are really saying that the cause of the problem in the relationship is some misperceived flaw in our partner. We blame them, being just who they are, for our own internal unhappiness. More madness. Is this how we really feel about the person we love the most in the world? No. Not through the eyes of love. However, the mind that believes it isn’t good enough has limited options for pain relief.
This is where we can change our entire relationship using the guru method of self-inspection to see why we criticize our partner, to see where our unhappiness arises. This introspection is where we will find the truth—that our incorrect belief of not being good enough is the cause of our unhappiness, not our partner’s habits, body shape, clothes choices, or anything else we want to make up. In the end, when we no longer criticize our partner, it helps us to stop criticizing ourselves, for what we do to others we are often doing to us. From introspection comes truth. From truth comes healing. From healing comes love.
The second relationship issue is a good friend of criticism—it’s condescension. This is when we act (act is a key term here) as if our partner is inferior to us. We talk down to them, treat them as imbeciles, and insult them every chance we get. This is not love, this is fear—our fear—the fear that we are not good enough.
Your reaction has nothing to do with your partner so look within, find the lie you believe in, and correct it by no longer believing in it. When you no longer believe in it, you will see the true love for your partner that has always been there. Your relationship with your partner will change as will your relationship with yourself.
The third big relationship issue is defensiveness. This is the reaction to being criticized and being told we are inferior to our partner—based solely on another’s opinion, not on truth. In this dance of pain, as I call it, we can see how the strong (bully) and the weak (victim) work together to keep the story of I’m not good enough alive and well in each person’s mind. This is a dance we need to walk away from so the beauty of true love can shine through.
Defensiveness is expressed through one of two reaction options; either we mount a counter-attack for being attacked, which often starts with the words, Well, you don’t do_____________….” or we moan and withdraw, acting like the ultimate victim. What is really needed here is a guru’s point of view. Instead of reacting to what our partner is saying about us, let’s look at why we are reacting. Then let’s go deeper and uncover why we feel like a victim, weak and pushed down. Introspection will uncover the real culprit of both our bully and victim mentalities. Once we realize we have been trained to believe we are something we are not, we can correct it. Then we can just love each other.
Other People Are Our Mirrors
Correcting the idea that we are not good enough means no longer believing in this lie. We can let go of this untrue and unhelpful belief by realizing the truth. A few steps we can take to realize the truth is to look at how we treat others and then look at how we treat ourselves.
It is often said that other people are our mirrors and if we really pay attention to this we will see that it is true. Being able to do this is one of the greatest pieces of assistance we can ever give ourselves to remember the truth and reconnect with our beloved. When we say other people are our mirrors, we mean every person in our life reflects our idea of life back to us. We see the world the way we are, not how it really is. With the help of everyone we meet, and with the special help of our partner, we are able to see what those beliefs are by looking at how we react to others and what causes the reaction (always something in us).
Most of us end up in relationships with the same kind of issues over and over. What is the common denominator? It’s you. You’re not good or bad, but you are repeating the same habits and patterns of unhappiness partner after partner. It’s time to wake up and realize what drives this version of Groundhog Day in your life.
That brings us back to looking at ourselves. The guru looks within and sees what needs correcting within, corrects it, and then sees the love in himself/herself and others. With this, an entire new perspective is provided—one that comes from the heart, not the mind. Now we can stop criticizing, demeaning, and defending. Life is simpler and feels more authentic as our actions now match the love that we are at our core. Joy, peace, and love return to our relationships. We all deserve that.